Posts tagged minneapolis

The Thank You Economy and The Music Business

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I’m siting a Moose and Sadies (a small cafe next to IPR where I teach) but I would rather be at home.  In fact, I would be at home right now if it wasn’t for the fact that my internet there isn’t working.  I called in to Century Link (my provider) yesterday and they said things should be up and running in a few hours.  Twenty four hours later I still don’t have internet so I called them back.  They told me the problem should be fixed, but I could call technical support in a few hours when they opened if I wanted more info.  Then I complained about the fact that I would be charged for a full month of service even though I spend a few days without internet. The Representative I was speaking with informed me I could call another department if I wanted to dispute charges and they could fix this- she didn’t know if that area was open yet or not.

So… why can’t you do all of that for me?  That was my question to her.  You work in the same company with both of these other departments.  Can’t you call them when they open and have them get in touch with me?  Or better yet, can’t you tell them what my problems are and have them look into them when they open?  Why is it now my responsibility to be my own customer service and coordinate with different departments so I am charged for what services I actually received?  Do you want me to go to Comcast? That was the only one of those questions she could answer.  No, they don’t want me to go to Comcast. What does this rant have to do with the music business?  Everything.

I’m currently reading a new-ish book by Gary Vaynerchuk called The Thank You Economy. He asserts that we’ve moved into a “thank you economy” where some businesses have changed what it means to care about customers. It’s an idea about, not only how business should be done, but how he’s certain it soon will be done by most successful businesses in the coming decade and moving on into the future. (People that predict the future are worth listening to; they’re not always right, but when they are, that clairvoyance is almost always useful.  In fact, I’m convinced that the people who win aren’t even usually the people with the best ideas, I think they’re usually just the people paying the most attention.) Here’s the heart of the idea: if you care more about your customers than the other guy, people will want to work with you, and tell other people they should work with you too. And then, your business will be successful.

The backbone of the philosophy is skillful use of social media.  Social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter, and Foursquare make it possible for a large (or small) company to reach their customer base and potential customer base inexpensively, and personally. The opportunity now exists to take the old “mom and pop” feel and scale it to a much larger audience.  You can give personal attention, and build personal relationships out of very little and create “emotional equity” with people.  The concept of emotional equity in business is a new term for an old idea- caring about customers inspires them to care about you.

The literal guide here is pretty simple.  You can listen to what people say about your company online.  Then you can respond.  (You can also eavesdrop on potential customers as well.  People talking about competitors, or people who are looking for advice in your industry, etc…) Gary uses the example of over hearing a conversation in person.  You’re out doing something and overhear a customer talking about a bad experience with your company.  If you care about your company you would probably introduce yourself and try and help.  Likewise, if you overheard someone complimenting your company, you’d also likely introduce yourself and say thank you.  If you really wanted to make an impression on that customer you might find a special way to thank them that would be remarkable and ensure they repeated the story.  Finding a good way to thank someone is easy.  In fact, it should be second nature.  You understand what would make you feel genuinely appreciated, and you understand what would be unexpected and impress you- so why not do that for your customers.  Gary predicts if you won’t, someone else will soon.

There are a few reasons why I really like this philosophy; the first reason is that it’s right.  If my internet provider cared at all about me or my business they’d handle the problem I called about themselves.  And, if someone else came along and showed me an internet provider I could use that would care about me I would move my business there today.  In fact, I have gotten so disgusted by the way businesses treat me that I often do go well out of my way to use businesses with better customer service regardless of cost.

Here’s another example, last month I found a fee on my checking account for looking at my balance from a “non-wellsfargo atm.” Wellsfargo sees profit in fees like this- in fact, I know from working inside the banking industry at places like Wellsfargo and US Bank it’s their whole model.  ”Fee based banking.” (Banks profited for thousands of years without a business model that searches out all ways they can nickel and dime their customers… It’s not about survival its transparent greed)  Wellsfargo just announced that they will be charging monthly fees to have a checking account as well. Why?  Because they can no longer charge as much for overdrafts due to legislation…  (When you need to charge new fees because the US government of all organizations tells you your current fees are so exorbitant they’re now illegal… there’s a problem.) They see opportunity to reclaim profits- most of us see the middle finger.  There isn’t a person alive who truly thinks Wellsfargo or Century Link, or any similar company actually cares about them.

The big shift that’s coming is a result of consumer control, and it’s already taking over some industries.  There are more options than ever for consumers; the internet has made purchasing from across the country or globe safe an easy.  Add in the fact that the customer experience is at an all-time low in many places (Press one to hear any option that doesn’t involve human contact!), then the final ingredient, a few rouge business who already decided they do care and they’re going to show it.  What’s the result? Hopefully the slow and bitter deaths of the aforementioned behemoth companies.  Due to the oligopolistic nature of internet providers and big consumer banking, it may be a while before we see a true competitor for these giants, but when one comes along and offers respect and caring that the old giants won’t offer, the choice for consumers will be pretty simple.  For industries with relative low bar to entry the choices are already there.

The second reason I like about this philosophy is how Gary incorporates the importance of passionate employees.  Here’s the smartest question an employer can ask- “How can my employees care about my customers, if their company doesn’t care about them.”  The book argues the only thing a company should care more about than its customers, is its employees.  Corporate culture starts with systemic attitudes from a company’s leadership.  When I was posing hard, logical (and ultimately pointless) questions to the customer service rep at Century Link, I couldn’t help but think about the truth of the whole situation: she didn’t want to be having this conversation any more than I did.  In fact, I she’s waiting for the day when she’s able to stop working at Century Link and can take a position she can truly be passionate about.  She has no incentive to solve my problem.  All my problem was was an annoying phone call while she was watching the clock.  Century Link could change that- but they won’t.

I often feel as though people don’t understand these problems are just as dangerous for small businesses.  If you’re a business of two people, how crucial is that one other person?  Or the other ten people?  If you want to create the passion you have about your business in those who work for you, treat them the way you would like to be treated.  Care about them the way you care about your business, and they’ll care right back.

The third reason I really like this idea is because it has both everything and nothing to do with business.  The best ideas are always at least a little universal in nature.  One of the things the book talks about is intent- you can’t fake intent.  People are used to people trying to get their attention and making vain statements about how much they “care” about you.  Talk is cheap.  Caring about your customers and truly appreciating those you work with is easy if you care about people in general.  If you listen to a lot of networking gurus you’ll often hear them remark that it’s easier to network with people if you actually care about what other people are saying, and really want to know more about them.  Intend is everything, because it’s nearly impossible to fake what you are.

But, let’s say you don’t need to fake it- let’s say you do have good intentions.  Well then, here’s your opportunity, you can use that to out compete other businesses simply by out-caring them.  And then, you can take this same philosophy and put it to work in the rest of your life.  It’s easy to forget that every person you’re in a relationship with, from customers to your mom, wants to know they’re appreciated.  And if you make a point to let them know that, you’ll reap the benefits of a stronger relationship.  Also, your life will be much less complex and hypocritical if you have one set of ethics for both your personal life and your business life.

One thing you might hear a lot when people talk business (and quite often in a music industry full of posturing, smoke and mirrors, and every sort seedy behavior…) is that business is business.  You hear people making statements like that as though ruthless behavior should be expected and rewarded.  One of the books I teach out of is actually called “Ruthless Self Promotion in the Music Industry.”  (Although, with in the first few pages the author admits he’s using the word ‘ruthless’ to grab attention, and not to mean people should be heartless in business.) The entire music industry has a murky past built on often mob-like mentality (due in part to legitimate organized crime involvement here and there…) It brings to mind the famous quote from Hunter S Thompson, ”The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.”

It’s both foolish and sad to see people try and live out these stereotypes in real life.  …Especially if they’re somehow successful. However, more often than not, new entrepreneurs in the music business dig themselves an early grave if they adopt attitudes like this.  Being successful in business isn’t about making sure other people aren’t, or conquest by force.  Business is about relationships, just like the rest of life is about relationships.  If you’ve ever negotiated with young and overeager people you get the feeling that they truly believe that good negotiating is about getting everything they want. You might be able to get exactly what you want in one situation or another, but sooner or later you’ll run out of people who are interested in doing business with you.  Good negotiating is about finding ‘win, win’ situations.  Just like conflict resolutions.  If you care about the guy on the other side of the table it will show, and they’ll likely be happy to work with you again.  People like to work with people they like.  It’s just that simple.

That’s why The Thank You Economy resonated so much with me; it’s simple, it’s ethical, and it’s right.  In fact, it’s made me rethink the online strategy of my businesses, and made me realize I need to take my approach of caring for those I do business with to another, blatantly recognizable level.  It’s also really made me wish everyone I dealt with as a customer did business this way.  In fact, I’ve bought this book for a few other people I think are on the right track but could use some guidance getting to their goals. The music industry is filled with lots of loud and interesting personalities, but even with all of us bright and vibrant, young and optimistic people working together, I don’t often feel as though these ideas dominate.  But I do see the opportunity.  (Especially when I have a hard time getting students ten years my junior to see the value in Twitter…) I hope you see it too!  …unless you’re my direct competition… If you haven’t read the book, I think you should pick it up.  And, if you have a job you hate, buy your boss this book!  If they don’t read it and find a good way to thank you… quit!

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Show and Tell April 2012

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The Show and Tell sessions (held every fourth Sunday at The Kitty Cat Klub in Minneapolis, MN) are now being recorded in full- in the next couple of months we should be getting some up loaded here to listen and download for free!  Till then, here’s a taste of last months.  This is a song by The Less Complex couresy of Ryan Siverson Photography! Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

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Maudlin presents the 3rd Annual Worst Christmas Pageant Ever!

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…and I just realized I never posted about this… Well, it was MAGICAL.  Nothing else could describe it.  PBR proudly sponsored, Redbull was reluctantly involved, Rock The Cause helped out, and, of course, Santa Clause came as well.  Special thanks to Mike Minehart for taking lots of great photos!  I will let pictures and video tell the tale…

Join the facebook group for news on this years disaster!

Santa was there all night to let people sit on his lap

 

 

Which no doubt was worse than he expected when I described the job to him...

 

Meanwhile, I had just sat down to read some old fashioned Christmas stories, when I noticed that I had guest!

 

Once again, Pat O'Brien's help we needed to help teach everyone, especially one special puppet, but the Christmas Spirit!

There were lots of other musicians who felt inclined to get up and help us. The is The Color Pharmacy.

Speshul K Stopped by

Littleman ...and some dude in pink pajamas...

The Fontenelles

Pictures of then went wild with there rap hit!

 

The cast from Maudlin kept ending up back on stage with special guests

And Priscilla did way too much stuff with cats....

To See a full list of all the great performers and all the pictures, check out the facebook page!

 

 

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South by ‘what day is it anyway?’

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Psychics, stolen cars, lying receptionists, and Gold Bond- This is my account of 2012′s SXSW. If you’re in a band, work in the music industry, live near Austin, or watch the news a lot, you’ve probably heard of South By Southwest. If not, here’s a brief summery… every bar that has live music in the live musical capital of the world has live music all day and night for five days while every other imaginable space in town is turned into a temporary live music venue.  Then hundreds of thousands of fans, musicians, and other weirdos descend on Austin to feast on the insanity that ensues.  So, naturally, I show up as well.  This is what I remember.

This is a really bad picture of Radiohead in Kansas City...

This is a really bad picture of Radiohead in Kansas City... I didn't really take many pictures on this trip...

I had the distinct pleasure of riding down in a van with Savannah Smith and a new band called Enemy Planes.   I’ll tell you more about them in another post… But, any intense event should begin with an equally intense journey.  A two hour plane ride is not enough to transport you into the alternate universe that Austin becomes in March- a Twenty hour van ride on the other hand?  With one lay over for a Radiohead concert? Perfect.

We arrived in the Lone Star State late Monday night and then first had to drop a few stragglers off at a ritzy subdivision of a swamp of some sort.  We took a wrong turn down a gravel road, and didn’t know if we’d be able to back out or turn around with the trailer in tow.   The headlights of the vehicle did a poor job of lighting the dark and foggy terrain that sloped unevenly down and out of site in front of us.  We all sat motionless in the van while trying to decide what to do.  Naturally, sleep deprived and delirious, I presumed this was the end and we were going to die here, so I volunteered to leave the safety of the van and scout ahead on foot.  There are alligators in these parts of Texas, vicious nocturnal hunters that are hard to see during the day, let alone at night!  …I mean, I presumed there were alligators anyway.  It made sense at the time.  There was a lake for sure, and where there’s lakes, there are alligators.  Long story short- I didn’t get eaten.  But I did find a spot for the van to turn around.  …I guess this part of the story isn’t exciting at all… but pretend you think there were alligators too- then it sort of is.  Anyway, I would soon find out that many more dangers awaited me in the heart of the city.

Tuesday morning we all rode into downtown Austin early.  The city comes alive around noon with day parties, some sanctioned by SXSW, many more sanctioned by no one in particular, but all luring pedestrians in off the street with free food and drinks.  My primary goal in going to SXSW is always to network.  My secondary goal is to see how much free crap I can get- weather I need it or not.  My first official stop of the day as at a Mexican restaurant called Casa Chapala where Savannah was playing.  After eating some free things and watching Savannah play, I went to catch up with the rest of my troupe including Craig (if you’ve been following the last several years of posts you know him) at Club Deville.  I like this place a lot only because it’s built like a fort into the side of a hill with steep rock faced walls surrounding it’s patio.

Craig and I at Club Deville

It was while I was photo bombing a group of individuals by this very wall that I met Mimi.  After the snap of the flash her friends all scattered, but Mimi stayed, transfixed with the dashing and mysterious stranger who had just jumped into the photo and into her life.  At first she seemed like an ordinary drunk who was likely unstable to start with.   She stated that she also liked the wall, and that she could climb to the top, twenty feet up, with ease.  Given her current unbalanced state, naturally I encouraged her to try. She got a foot off the ground before she realized this was a mistake.  But, upon turning from the wall she looked at me as though seeing me for the first time, and grabbed my hand.  Trembling she told me that she was a ‘Ren-rat’ and had special powers. Ren-rat is a slang term to describe the hordes or goths, larpers, and other unfortunates who participate in the Resistance Festival on an annual basis.  She described growing up at the Renfest in Shakopee- which is a suburb of Minneapolis, because her parents were also dorks.  She had gained acute psychic abilities while she grew up- more than likely in a vain effort to wish herself somewhere else.

It didn’t all add up to me- after all, she was dressed like a normal person- but she was intensely concerned for my safety, and I was intensely amused, so I heard her out.  She proceeded to tell me that I had great powers myself.  Perhaps this was why I was able to foresee I couldn’t climb a sheer rock cliff without trying.   She grasped my hand and gazed at my palm and bit her trembling lower lip.  I was in danger.  I helped people, but I may soon help them so much that I hurt myself.  My fortune line also didn’t follow my life line.  She said that I would earn lots of money, but for other people, not myself… Stupid clients! I thought.  Soon I grew bored with Mimi and made my departure.  It was only a few hours later when we would meet again.

 

This bear was never in Austin- but like I mentioned, I didn't take many pictures, so for the sake of the story pretend that this bear is Mimi and she's climbing on the van, not our Honda.

Bar close released mass of  zombies on to the streets of Austin.  Our van arrived out front and I got the call that it was now, or never if I wanted a ride to the hotel.  As I exited the club some explainable force made me look to my right down the street.   There was Mimi… sort of crawl-walking around.  I went over to assist her.  She was on the phone with someone.

“Hey Mimi, need some help?”  Mimi just looked back at my with that all-knowing drunk stair.  ”It’s David, the guy with super powers, remember?” I asked.  Recognition crept into her eyes.

“Oh yeah, here, talk to him,” she said as she thrust her cell phone at me.

“Hello?” I asked.

“Damn it, is she loaded again?  Is she just totally bombed?” a gentleman asked on the other line.  I glanced at Mimi.

“Yes,” I answered, “she’s gone.”

After a few more expletives he asked if I could get her into a cab.  Asking someone to get a cab at bar close in Austin during SXSW is sort of like asking someone to go find the Ark of the Covenant real quick for you.  But, it appears I have special powers- so I actually did find one quickly.  But my powers were no match for Mimi’s.  The Cabby refused to drive her anywhere in here inebriated state.  I took her back to our van to freak out the boys.  We offered to give Mimi a ride to where ever it was she comes from, but she wisely refused a ride from five weird looking dudes in a large nondescript white van.  I left her peacefully curled up on the sidewalk, and I have no notion of what may have become of her.  God speed Mimi, God speed!

With knowledge of the future and what Austin had in store for me looming ominously in the back of my powerful mind, I headed back to the hotel room for much needed rest.  Soon the morningafternoonish time would be here, and we’d need to wake up and head back into the belly of the beast.

To Be Continued…

Day one free items collected: Taco platter, four shots of tequila, psychic encounter, two dozen vitamin waters, and two boxes of cereal.

 

 

 

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2012 and Other Boring Ways For the World to End.

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Compliments of Priscilla's sketch book. My wife draws murdering dinosaurs for fun- eat your heart out!

By now you’ve all heard about the ancient Mayan calendar that predicts that Jerry Bruckheimer’s movies will all be so bad by December of 2012 that even just seeing a billboard for one will kill you.  (Amazing information to glean from a calendar written by people who have been dead for over a millennium!)  But, maybe you haven’t heard about some of the other dumb ways people think our planet may plummet into a bizarre Mad Max sequel.  Solar flares.  These could come and wipe out all the electricity globally.  How about the super volcano? It’s right underneath YOU Wyoming.  Good luck with that.  Or, what about the next animal flu?  Birds and pigs are one thing, but what the hell will we do when we get something REALLY bad, like Shark Flu?

Now, I agree with all the naysayers- I’m going to die.  I even agree that the world will end sometime.  AND, I’m not even worried about that one.  I know some dead people already, it will be nice to catch up.  Plus, if we all die, I’ll know a lot more dead people. Also all the people who have had near death experiences say really nice things about being dead.  …Except for the ones who say they went to hell… So, what AM I concerned with here?  Well, I’ll tell you.  I’ve seen some of these movies.  The Road?! …thanks for that one Cormic- what a great combination of boring and morbidly depressing.   The Happening?! Sometimes when I see M Night Shyamalan’s flicks I think he puts crap out, sits back, waits, and then says “What, people still came out to see this one? Really? Ok, ok, I can still do worse.”  (Rather than link you to what ‘The Happening’ really is, I’ve embedded a video by the same name that you will enjoy more.)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWNm1ZF8wwg]

Folks, what scares me more than anything is being trapped in a boring post apocalyptic world, watching the world blandly expire. Barf.

So, what’s the solution? How can you stop the inevitable? Can we really launch Bruce Willis into space with a nuclear warhead every time an asteroid comes by? Not realistic.  But maybe, just maybe, if we’re all going to die anyway, we can have a little bit of fun with it.  Eh? So, I’m sure you all know what I’m thinking of- Zombies AND Dinosaurs.  Duh. Can the Gub-ment stop the massive tidal wave of destruction?  The guys who try to fix a leak of harmful oil in the ocean by dumping more harmful chemicals in on top of it?  Ask any of the guys who helped clean up the Exon Valdez spill- oh wait, they’re all dead now… Nope, not likely.  But, as always, I’m sure they’ll know all about it before some terrible, terribly boring disaster takes place.  So, all I’m asking for, is for them to implement my simple Zombie/Dinosaur plan of action about… lets say, one year before things get really crappy.

See, this looks like much more fun, right?

Where will they get Zombies and Dinosaurs? Well, I would like to think that first we would try Zombie viruses, and Jurassic Park style DNA experiments.  But, if all else fails, we could always go animatronic.    Once they’ve figured out the ‘how’ they just need to mass produce both, and then release the Zombies and Dinosaurs into the unsuspecting populous.  Now granted, some people won’t like this.  Maybe some people don’t even know how to kill a zombie or out smart a velociraptor,  but I think we can all agree they would be the minority.  They would also be the very first to die, leaving behind a wealth of firearms and canned goods for the rest of us.

Now, of course, none of us would be able to survive forever with millions of zombies swarming and a hundred deadly species of dinosaurs roaming around, thirsty for blood.  However, the fast paced thrill ride would be just the shot of adrenalin we need.  And the colorful sights and sounds produced by the new monsters would keep our imaginations preoccupied and, dare I say, enchant us, up until the quick-ish painful end- Eaten alive in an entertaining, honorable, and fulfilling death, long before boring natural disasters ravage our already lifeless planet.  I guess it would suck to be the Dinosaurs in that scenario though… back on top… for a second,  and then boom!  Another boring asteroid extinction.

Just a photo of me running from a T-Rex I already had lying around, I'm sure you've got tons too

I know what you’re thinking- WTF?! Why hasn’t anyone else thought of this yet? I have no idea.  I can only hope that Uncle Sam already has and they’re just waiting for the right time to surprise us!  Lets all keep our fingers crossed!

David

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Merry Christmas and a Happy Valentines Day!

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Ok, so my last blog was about Priscilla and I getting attacked by bears in South Dakota- AND LOVING IT! …that was about six months ago.  …or eight.  And, it seems as though I’ve gotten pretty bad at updating this blog.  I promise to try and do better… but, in the mean time, he’s what I’ve done the last- I don’t know, year or so.

Green Room Music Source Christmas party- I'm telling a story, and Priscilla doesn't buy it. ...That or she's realizing what crappy job I did trimming my sideburns...

In September we went down to Winona for the fifth annual Zombie Pub Crawl.  Unlike some more normal cities zombie crawls, in Winona you get a good feeling for what a real zombie attack would look like.  People stop traffic, climb on cars, projectile vomit all over, and even chase unsuspecting college kids who don’t know what’s going on.  One high schooler tried to start a fight when his daddy’s Chrysler 300 got a little bit of puke and blood on it… what a wuss.  The only zombie he attacked was a girl, and his opening line was, ‘you can’t hit me, I’m a minor.’  Then he promptly tried to strangle a girl zombie before the rest of the angry mob of drunken undead gently removed him and told him to go home.  This boy will be a huge douche bag one day…

Some Winona degenerates attacking a car

Check the whole in the knee... wicked!

Check the whole in the knee... wicked!

The toughest 17 year old in the world!

Also, Priscilla launched Pirk, a soap and beauty company. All natural, organic when possible, soap and face scrubs and bath bubbly salt junk, all that sort of crap.  People have been liking it so far!

Priscilla showing off all her soap flavors- which, as it turns out, are not for eating...

In October, Maudlin and our agency Green Room Music Source, went to New York City again for the CMJ music festival.  I was very disappointed by the fact that we didn’t steal any mannequin body parts this time.  We did eat a lot of food, and get a better understanding of how the Russian Mafia operates.

On the way to NYC we stopped in Indianapolis to see their war monument downtown... These bears commemorate the great bear insurgency of 1849

On the way to NYC we stopped in Indianapolis to see their war monument downtown... These bears commemorate the great bear insurgency of 1849

Me and Green Room partner, Aubry, checking out bands at the fest.

Brooklyn at Juniors

Brooklyn at Juniors

Puk in Manhattan

Priscilla doing something or other in the subway

Then, in November, Maudlin welcomed a new band member into our wacky fold.  You may remember Nick from last years St. Patrick’s Day adventure.

Nick proving that he fits in with the gang...

December was a time for holiday magic!  Maudlin hosted our second, kind of annual ‘The Worst Christmas Pageant Ever’ at the Hexagon in Minneapolis.  Discribing this event isn’t as much fun and just listening…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JXMhaEpGsE]

Radio's Barb Abney of The Current and Nick Larsen of Maudlin

Speshul K singing a touching rendition of his song, "The Bitch Who Stole Christmas"

"Daddy, Please don't get drunk at Christmas" You could feel John Denver smiling down on them as they sang

And who could forget Pat's duet with a puppet. Yes, Scritchy the Cat showed up for this one too.

Here I am with Barb trying hard to read my lines...

Priscilla ...out dorking everyone

This is a recycled piece of our totaled Ford Focus...

January was cold.  We don’t do anything in January here because it’s just too cold.  When the New year is over we turn in to primordial cave people.  …We also make ice sculptures though.

I am king of all the people dumb enough to be outside when it's this cold

This is King Tut

February has Valentines day in it… Weak.  I got Priscilla a pan for Valentines day.  Yup, a nice pan.  I thought this was  probably not the greatest gift I’d ever come up with for Priscilla.  However, after seeing her reaction to getting a very nice pan, I’ve decided that she only gets pans for gifts from now on.  That’s your relationship advice for the year- Pans, chicks dig them.  Or, at least, Priscilla does…

More exciting than the new pan was the new amp we bought for P

That’s about it… Oh, and George Clooney, STOP making movies. Please.  The glory days or over my friend.  Speaking of people who should stop doing what they do, I found this website recently.  What a beautiful charity! www.killlilwayne.org Hopefully someone will make a similar site for Weezer soon.  They must be stopped!

Until next time…

David

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Raiders of the Lost Rickenbacker

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Ok, take the next left, and then an immediate right and you can't miss it.

Some of you stalkers may remember the recent trip Priscilla and I took to Denver Colorado for UMS.  After getting in the car at about 10PM, Priscilla and I drove out of Denver, and didn’t stop until we’d reached home, sweet home, St.  Paul, MN.  I was getting out of the car, and decided we’d better get the guitars before we went inside to collapse and sleep for a day.   I opened up the back of the Element and there was only one guitar. “Oh, we don’t have my bass…”

My baby! See where Frank ran out of room, and finished his name sideways? ...wait, you can't it's behind the mic stand. ...but that's what it looks like.

Priscilla broke down crying, which was very sweet of her.  My Rickenbacker, 4003 bass is my most prized possession.  Aside from the fact that, that’s just an awesome bass, mine was made more awesome by Frank Black when he signed it.  He was a complete dick the entire time I interacted with him.  I approached him as he was clearing some things off the stage at a small show at The Warehouse in LaCrosse when I was still in high school.

Me: Frank?

Frank: *silence*

Me: Frank?

Frank: *silence*

Me: Um, Frank?

Frank: *sighs* Yeees?

Me: Can you sign my bass?

Frank: I’d need a marker

Me: *waves hand already holding out marker*

This was probably the most pleasant of the three brief conversations I had with him that night.  Despite him being a jerk, AND his musical downward spiral (I was quite found the the FIRST six solo albums.  Now he’s got, like, forty or something- each progressively worse from what I could tell.  This was on the ‘Frank Black and the Catholics’ album tour.  That was a SWEET album.) it is still my favorite memento.  But as Priscilla cried, I was far to delirious from driving 15 hours to care about anything at all, and I stumbled inside.

Grief stricken, but determined, Priscilla went online to try and find what might have happened.  As luck would have it, a local Denver band found it and had already sent us an email.  When I woke up, we had to figure out how we were going to get this bass back.  I couldn’t ship it, because it was just in a gig bag, and I wouldn’t trust shipping it anyway.  There was only one thing to do- journey back west.

Our good friend Stephy, and new pal Brittany stopped somewhere in Wyoming for no reason that I can think of. Stopping in Wyoming is probably the most dangerous thing that happens in this blog...

Our good friend Steph went and got the Rick from the Denver band and took it home for safe keeping.  Then, on one fateful morning in September, we both set off, from opposite ends of the Earth, on a mission to reunite me and my bass!  Where should a historic reunion like this take place?  In the place the Natives believed was the sacred center of the Earth, and the white man marked as his territory with four famous severed heads, like some overly artistic dog peeing on a fence.  That’s right, Mount Rushmore!

Actually, that’s a lie.  We did go there because Steph brought her friend Brittany along, and she’d never seen Mount Rushmore.  But, we actually met beforehand at the hotel where we were staying ten miles away… Which is where I got my bass back. After that though, we did go to Mount Rushmore.  And once I had my bass back, what more could I ask for?  More bears please.  That’s right, back to Bear Country USA!

Bear Country also has Caribou, but they have less add space devoted to them...

So, it just so happens that we hit a ton of bugs with our car on the way to South Dakota.  It also happens that bears actually like to eat bugs.  …I didn’t ask them why.  But this combination turned out to be interesting.  We might as well have strapped a dead deer to our car as far as one hungry bear was concerned.  After he was done picking the grill of our car clean, he got up on his hind legs and plopped himself on top of the hood of the Element and began chewing on our windshield wiper.  It was probably the coolest thing that has ever happened to me… THEN, Bear Country USA came to our rescue by sending a scrawny teenage worker to chase the bear away from our car by clapping his hands and saying, “Shew!”  They apologized to us, and gave us out money back because there were scratches on our car.  …I didn’t tell them I would have paid extra to have a bear chew on my car…

People have asked me if I was afraid after seeing these photos.  …seriously? As if!  I’m not afraid of this little guy- it’s not like its a maneater like… oh say, a killer whale! *drum roll*  But, what happened next scared the crap out of me.  After the ride through the park we got out and walked through baby land.  (The part of the park with all the baby bears and other little critters) When, out of nowhere I felt something hit my chest hard, like some punk five year old whipped a pebble at me.  …but it wasn’t a pebble, it was the scariest bee I’ve ever seen.  If you can identify this thing then I owe you a beer.  Remember when I was getting attacked by horse flies that I thought were bees? This was like some sick joke by mother nature.

 

Evil has a name. It's this guy's name. ...I don't know what that is, specifically... so I'll just call him, 'Evil.'

I grabbed my shirt and pulled it away from my frail human body, and out of range of the massive stinger on its butt.  Then I worked up the courage to try and flick it off of me.  Just when I was about to make my move, Priscilla freaked out and told me not to- clearly afraid of what this thing would do to retaliate.  Just when we thought all hope was lost and the bee would have to ride home with us we heard, “Oh for Pete’s sake…”  Some small children’s mother walked over and fearlessly shewed the bee away.  I was surprised when it didn’t kill her.  I went up to the little boy she was with and told him, ‘Your mommy just saved my life, isn’t she brave?’  And he looked at me like I was a freak.  After that adrenaline rush it was time to go to Deadwood and ‘heckle’ pedestrians.  At least that’s the ‘official’ story of what happened…

Anyway, it was a weekend of triumph and knowledge.  I got my base back- that was great, but I also learned some things.  Some hotels charge by the person.  But when someone asks you why you need three keys when there are only two people staying in the room, keeping a cool head can save the day.  …that and using the back door the entire time you’re there.   I also learned that you can blow out your rotors really quickly in the black hills.  What I haven’t learned is what in the hell landed on my shirt.

 

I was thinking about going back with a screw driver to make the claw marks more badass, but I decided to leave it.

All for now!

 

 

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They say you never get to attend your own funeral…

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Well, only if you wait for someone else to throw you one!  So, when I found out I was turning thirty, I decided to do just that- throw myself a funeral.  Once again, facilitating the event fell on the muscley shoulders of Scott Weber- because I don’t know anyone else with a 35 room themed mansion well enough to throw a party there.  He was happy to help.  Then, I shamelessly requested friends of mine to write “eulogies” in the form of a roast.  Everyone was told to wear black.  …and this is totally one of those ‘had to be there’ stories.  But, it was amazing!  I’ve never felt so loved while being made fun of!

Barb Abney (transplanted hillbilly) was called on to MC, but she couldn’t find it in her heart to say anything mean about me.  …which was too bad, because in my retort I had written several things about her… Laurel Ogren had some choice words for me- but I’m mostly mentioning her full name in here because someone keeps googling her and finding my site.  …so there you go whoever you are… Then the infamous Scotty Herold roasted me with a blow up doll.  Nick of The Icy Shores recounted our St. Patrick’s Day adventure (which is also a blog)  And, finally, my lovely Priscilla came up to roast me while doing her best Courtney Love imitation.  It was all hilarious.

There was a cake too.  It was great.  Thanks for the great time everyone!!!!

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“Yes please, and some bears with that!”

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To keep healthy in the wild, bears will do countless sets of sit-ups.

As some of you devoted blog reader(s) might remember, we have a good friend in Denver, and we like to visit her.  We also like playing rock and roll and viewing bear attacks.  So, when the oppertunity came for Maudlin (That’s my, quote un-quote -cool band) to play at UMS we said, “yes please, and some bears with that!”

There are two ways for people who haven’t discovered planes yet to get to Denver: the evil, endless farmyard known as “Nebraska” or South Dakota.  Now, some people might not like all things to see in South Dakota, but we can all agree that there is nothing to see in Nebraska.  (I hate you Nebraska!  I hate you more than bad whale analogies!) …Anyway, there’s this place called Bear Country USA in South Dakota, next to Deadwood.  There are bears there.  You can pay fifteen dollars and the let you drive around in a big back yard with sixty bears- it’s basically like swimming with sharks.  …except the sharks are furry.  So… we did that.

Highly paid bear models will starve themselves to stunt their growth and maintain a desirable figure.

In captivity, bear models will starve themselves to stunt their growth and maintain a desirable figure.

(There are lots off really bad family videos of Priscilla and I driving around here that rival the Blair Witch Project, but I decided not to include them.)

After Bear Country USA, we headed on to Wyoming!  …Not much had changed there since the last time we passed through.  We did meet a gas station attendant who had never been pulled over by the man before.  Never.  I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been pulled over.  I must just look like trouble- trouble with a burnt out headlight.

So, just when I had made up my mind that the only way I would ever get out of the car was  to veer off the road into a tree- when ever I saw one- we reached the mile high city.  We showed up at Steph’s several hours late- which surprised no one, and promptly went to sleep.  In the morning we presented Steph with a traditional travelers gift: a wolf hat.

Um...

The next day we performed the first of our two showcases at UMS.  In our haste to get to the bear yard, we forgot Jason back in Minnesota, so our agent, Craig Grossman, was kind enough to sit in with us.  Big thanks to all of our new friends in Denver!  We had a blast playing!

Later someone in the crowd made me take off my sunglasses.

And then I forgot my bass… my Frank Black autographed Rickenbacker… I am an idiot.  But, the good people of Denver didn’t steal it, and arrangements have been made to meet at Bear Country USA again and get it back… Good fun, lots of forgotten things, and lots of bears… That’s about all I’ve got for this blog.  FAIL.  Le sigh…

In Brief: I hate to keep ragging on Ben Stiller… but did anyone see Greenberg?  It’s the dramatic tail of a suicidal washed up musician, who sexually assaults his brothers barely legal housekeeper.  It’s ok though, because after he assaults her, then verbally berates her, she realizes that she’s actually in love with him, and he’s not such a bad guy.   He finds out that being a douche bag always gets you chicks, even if you’re a complete loser.  I hope everyone who routinely takes all of their social cues from poorly dramatized realism is paying careful attention to this film.

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Killer Whales- the dick heads of the high seas

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Killer Whales seen in their natural habitat.

Some time ago I unwittingly typed my most controversial post.  I said some things that the internet just could not forgive about Killer Whales and Neko Case.  As many of you may know, Neko Case is a famous marine biologist and singer/song writer.  Now, I have to admit that I have never seen Neko Case, nor a killer whale up close, however, I did read a motivational book about training killer whales.  I also watched about five minutes of Free Willie II once, so I think I have a reasonable idea of what a killer whale is.  They’re black and white and they swim.  They’re also not actually whales, rather, they are part of the dolphin family.  I learned that from a children’s book on sea predators- I don’t remember what it was called or I’d reference that as well.

Anyway, even though they call them “killer whales” and their scientific name was derived from the name of the Roman god of the underworld, these animals are not considered a threat to humans.   Still, Neko Case calls our underwater pals “man eaters” in her famous song “People Got a lot of Nerve.”  In this horribly titled diddy, she suggests that if a Killer Whale dragged you to the bottom and ate your leg, you shouldn’t be surprised, because, after all, they are called killer whales.  Then she goes on to talk about eating people herself, which is, I guess, a hobby of hers.  I retorted that Killer Whales don’t eat people and that it might have been more appropriate to use an animal that does actually eat a people in a ‘man-eater’ analogy.

Neko Case in her natural habitat

This spurred on a plethora of comments calling me a douche bag to attack pour Neko.  Very few people noted that neither Neko Case, nor many killer whales, actually read my blog- so its sort of a victimless crime.  People tried to explain to me that she has poetic license and can write whatever she’d like to, whether or not it makes literal sense.  We are talking about a lady who compares herself to a tornado, and then depicts herself riding on the hood of a muscle car wielding a sword…  So I’m gathered that there was a little bit of poetic license involved. I, however, got the same go ahead from the internet to write whatever I want, even if it offends killer whales or tornadoes.  And, this whole blog is intended to be humorous, even jerky… and if you’re not seeing that by now, you really need to find a new blog to read.

This is all similar to when people pointed out that none of the “examples” of irony in Alanis Morissette’s song Ironic are actually ironic situations at all.  So she either wrote an entire song about a common word she couldn’t define if her life depended on it, or she thought that writing a song about irony using all examples of things that weren’t ironic, would, as a whole, create a situation of irony.  Either way, that song was awful.  She still has poetic license to be an idiot- but it doesn’t change the definition of irony.  Clearly Neko Case is not as retarded as Alanis, and her music doesn’t make me want to stuff firecrackers in my ears, but I’m sure you can see the comparison. Making fun of stupid lyrics should be good fun for the whole family.

Alanis Morissette demonstrating her prowess with the English language

Alanis Morissette demonstrating her prowess with the English language

Now, in the mist of this entirely unentertaining altercation between myself and the internet, some killer whale murdered a trainer in cold blood.  This prompted about a thousand people to tell me that I was completely wrong in asserting that killer whales were no threat to humans, and not man-eaters.  All I can say to that, is that I, myself, do not kill people.  However, if you kidnapped me and put me in an oversized bathtub and made me perform dog tricks for several years, I might kill you too. Now, killer whales actually can’t be forced into doing much, because they’re too big.  So you have to train them with positive reenforcement, and get them to the point where they want to perform.  But, apparently even then they may harbor a grudge and just be waiting for the perfect moment to kill you in front of a few hundred children.  Also, as it turns out, this particular killer whale was a bad seed in the first place.  He’s the first serial killer whale.  Why they overlooked that on his resume and still let him in the show at Sea World, we may never know.  I seriously hope someone in HR got canned because of this. Also it’s important to note that this actually did surprise everyone quite a bit.  …because killing people is not normal behavior for killer whales.

Regardless of how many people one whale can kill, they still aren’t man-eaters.  Primarily because they don’t eat men.  And, maybe if the song was about man-drowners this whole thing never would have happened, because, as it turns out, that’s much more plausible.  I still stand by my previous statement that killer whales do not eat people.  I also still think that song is dumb regardless.  I don’t wish Neko any ill will, and I do sincerely hope she doesn’t fall off the front of that car she rides on, but I’ll probably never be a fan of her lyrical work. And I think that’s ok.

I hope this clears up any unanswered questions from the last post.  If not, I suggest either talking to Ms Case about the situation, or your local killer whale population.

Sigourney Weaver was Wiley Kit of the Thunder Cats

In brief:

Priscilla and I just finally watched James Cameron’s Ferngully Two to see what all the talk was about.  Sad to see that Robin Williams wasn’t allowed to reprise his role an annoying fruit bat, but it was good to see Sigourney Weaver is still acting.  She portrayed one of the Thunder Cats in the film. All in all our cats and I enjoyed all the bright colors and quick movement, but Priscilla got a headache.

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