Posts tagged killer whales
Some of you stalkers may remember the recent trip Priscilla and I took to Denver Colorado for UMS. After getting in the car at about 10PM, Priscilla and I drove out of Denver, and didn’t stop until we’d reached home, sweet home, St. Paul, MN. I was getting out of the car, and decided we’d better get the guitars before we went inside to collapse and sleep for a day. I opened up the back of the Element and there was only one guitar. “Oh, we don’t have my bass…”
Priscilla broke down crying, which was very sweet of her. My Rickenbacker, 4003 bass is my most prized possession. Aside from the fact that, that’s just an awesome bass, mine was made more awesome by Frank Black when he signed it. He was a complete dick the entire time I interacted with him. I approached him as he was clearing some things off the stage at a small show at The Warehouse in LaCrosse when I was still in high school.
Me: Um, Frank?
Frank: *sighs* Yeees?
Me: Can you sign my bass?
Frank: I’d need a marker
Me: *waves hand already holding out marker*
This was probably the most pleasant of the three brief conversations I had with him that night. Despite him being a jerk, AND his musical downward spiral (I was quite found the the FIRST six solo albums. Now he’s got, like, forty or something- each progressively worse from what I could tell. This was on the ‘Frank Black and the Catholics’ album tour. That was a SWEET album.) it is still my favorite memento. But as Priscilla cried, I was far to delirious from driving 15 hours to care about anything at all, and I stumbled inside.
Grief stricken, but determined, Priscilla went online to try and find what might have happened. As luck would have it, a local Denver band found it and had already sent us an email. When I woke up, we had to figure out how we were going to get this bass back. I couldn’t ship it, because it was just in a gig bag, and I wouldn’t trust shipping it anyway. There was only one thing to do- journey back west.
Our good friend Steph went and got the Rick from the Denver band and took it home for safe keeping. Then, on one fateful morning in September, we both set off, from opposite ends of the Earth, on a mission to reunite me and my bass! Where should a historic reunion like this take place? In the place the Natives believed was the sacred center of the Earth, and the white man marked as his territory with four famous severed heads, like some overly artistic dog peeing on a fence. That’s right, Mount Rushmore!
Actually, that’s a lie. We did go there because Steph brought her friend Brittany along, and she’d never seen Mount Rushmore. But, we actually met beforehand at the hotel where we were staying ten miles away… Which is where I got my bass back. After that though, we did go to Mount Rushmore. And once I had my bass back, what more could I ask for? More bears please. That’s right, back to Bear Country USA!
So, it just so happens that we hit a ton of bugs with our car on the way to South Dakota. It also happens that bears actually like to eat bugs. …I didn’t ask them why. But this combination turned out to be interesting. We might as well have strapped a dead deer to our car as far as one hungry bear was concerned. After he was done picking the grill of our car clean, he got up on his hind legs and plopped himself on top of the hood of the Element and began chewing on our windshield wiper. It was probably the coolest thing that has ever happened to me… THEN, Bear Country USA came to our rescue by sending a scrawny teenage worker to chase the bear away from our car by clapping his hands and saying, “Shew!” They apologized to us, and gave us out money back because there were scratches on our car. …I didn’t tell them I would have paid extra to have a bear chew on my car…
People have asked me if I was afraid after seeing these photos. …seriously? As if! I’m not afraid of this little guy- it’s not like its a maneater like… oh say, a killer whale! *drum roll* But, what happened next scared the crap out of me. After the ride through the park we got out and walked through baby land. (The part of the park with all the baby bears and other little critters) When, out of nowhere I felt something hit my chest hard, like some punk five year old whipped a pebble at me. …but it wasn’t a pebble, it was the scariest bee I’ve ever seen. If you can identify this thing then I owe you a beer. Remember when I was getting attacked by horse flies that I thought were bees? This was like some sick joke by mother nature.
I grabbed my shirt and pulled it away from my frail human body, and out of range of the massive stinger on its butt. Then I worked up the courage to try and flick it off of me. Just when I was about to make my move, Priscilla freaked out and told me not to- clearly afraid of what this thing would do to retaliate. Just when we thought all hope was lost and the bee would have to ride home with us we heard, “Oh for Pete’s sake…” Some small children’s mother walked over and fearlessly shewed the bee away. I was surprised when it didn’t kill her. I went up to the little boy she was with and told him, ‘Your mommy just saved my life, isn’t she brave?’ And he looked at me like I was a freak. After that adrenaline rush it was time to go to Deadwood and ‘heckle’ pedestrians. At least that’s the ‘official’ story of what happened…
Anyway, it was a weekend of triumph and knowledge. I got my base back- that was great, but I also learned some things. Some hotels charge by the person. But when someone asks you why you need three keys when there are only two people staying in the room, keeping a cool head can save the day. …that and using the back door the entire time you’re there. I also learned that you can blow out your rotors really quickly in the black hills. What I haven’t learned is what in the hell landed on my shirt.
All for now!
Some time ago I unwittingly typed my most controversial post. I said some things that the internet just could not forgive about Killer Whales and Neko Case. As many of you may know, Neko Case is a famous marine biologist and singer/song writer. Now, I have to admit that I have never seen Neko Case, nor a killer whale up close, however, I did read a motivational book about training killer whales. I also watched about five minutes of Free Willie II once, so I think I have a reasonable idea of what a killer whale is. They’re black and white and they swim. They’re also not actually whales, rather, they are part of the dolphin family. I learned that from a children’s book on sea predators- I don’t remember what it was called or I’d reference that as well.
Anyway, even though they call them “killer whales” and their scientific name was derived from the name of the Roman god of the underworld, these animals are not considered a threat to humans. Still, Neko Case calls our underwater pals “man eaters” in her famous song “People Got a lot of Nerve.” In this horribly titled diddy, she suggests that if a Killer Whale dragged you to the bottom and ate your leg, you shouldn’t be surprised, because, after all, they are called killer whales. Then she goes on to talk about eating people herself, which is, I guess, a hobby of hers. I retorted that Killer Whales don’t eat people and that it might have been more appropriate to use an animal that does actually eat a people in a ‘man-eater’ analogy.
This spurred on a plethora of comments calling me a douche bag to attack pour Neko. Very few people noted that neither Neko Case, nor many killer whales, actually read my blog- so its sort of a victimless crime. People tried to explain to me that she has poetic license and can write whatever she’d like to, whether or not it makes literal sense. We are talking about a lady who compares herself to a tornado, and then depicts herself riding on the hood of a muscle car wielding a sword… So I’m gathered that there was a little bit of poetic license involved. I, however, got the same go ahead from the internet to write whatever I want, even if it offends killer whales or tornadoes. And, this whole blog is intended to be humorous, even jerky… and if you’re not seeing that by now, you really need to find a new blog to read.
This is all similar to when people pointed out that none of the “examples” of irony in Alanis Morissette’s song Ironic are actually ironic situations at all. So she either wrote an entire song about a common word she couldn’t define if her life depended on it, or she thought that writing a song about irony using all examples of things that weren’t ironic, would, as a whole, create a situation of irony. Either way, that song was awful. She still has poetic license to be an idiot- but it doesn’t change the definition of irony. Clearly Neko Case is not as retarded as Alanis, and her music doesn’t make me want to stuff firecrackers in my ears, but I’m sure you can see the comparison. Making fun of stupid lyrics should be good fun for the whole family.
Now, in the mist of this entirely unentertaining altercation between myself and the internet, some killer whale murdered a trainer in cold blood. This prompted about a thousand people to tell me that I was completely wrong in asserting that killer whales were no threat to humans, and not man-eaters. All I can say to that, is that I, myself, do not kill people. However, if you kidnapped me and put me in an oversized bathtub and made me perform dog tricks for several years, I might kill you too. Now, killer whales actually can’t be forced into doing much, because they’re too big. So you have to train them with positive reenforcement, and get them to the point where they want to perform. But, apparently even then they may harbor a grudge and just be waiting for the perfect moment to kill you in front of a few hundred children. Also, as it turns out, this particular killer whale was a bad seed in the first place. He’s the first serial killer whale. Why they overlooked that on his resume and still let him in the show at Sea World, we may never know. I seriously hope someone in HR got canned because of this. Also it’s important to note that this actually did surprise everyone quite a bit. …because killing people is not normal behavior for killer whales.
Regardless of how many people one whale can kill, they still aren’t man-eaters. Primarily because they don’t eat men. And, maybe if the song was about man-drowners this whole thing never would have happened, because, as it turns out, that’s much more plausible. I still stand by my previous statement that killer whales do not eat people. I also still think that song is dumb regardless. I don’t wish Neko any ill will, and I do sincerely hope she doesn’t fall off the front of that car she rides on, but I’ll probably never be a fan of her lyrical work. And I think that’s ok.
I hope this clears up any unanswered questions from the last post. If not, I suggest either talking to Ms Case about the situation, or your local killer whale population.
Priscilla and I just finally watched James Cameron’s Ferngully Two to see what all the talk was about. Sad to see that Robin Williams wasn’t allowed to reprise his role an annoying fruit bat, but it was good to see Sigourney Weaver is still acting. She portrayed one of the Thunder Cats in the film. All in all our cats and I enjoyed all the bright colors and quick movement, but Priscilla got a headache.
Someone needs to tell her that for me, cause, if someone got dragged down to the bottom of a tank by a killer whale, and had both their lungs and a leg eaten… I think they’d have good reason to be surprised. …because killer whales DON’T eat people… that’s why they don’t use things like hammerhead sharks and giant squid in the shows at Seaworld. They pick animals that wouldn’t eat anyone. …like killer whales.
But, really, the song wouldn’t really be any better if it went “they call them giant squid…” It would still probably suck.