Posts tagged dinosaurs
By now you’ve all heard about the ancient Mayan calendar that predicts that Jerry Bruckheimer’s movies will all be so bad by December of 2012 that even just seeing a billboard for one will kill you. (Amazing information to glean from a calendar written by people who have been dead for over a millennium!) But, maybe you haven’t heard about some of the other dumb ways people think our planet may plummet into a bizarre Mad Max sequel. Solar flares. These could come and wipe out all the electricity globally. How about the super volcano? It’s right underneath YOU Wyoming. Good luck with that. Or, what about the next animal flu? Birds and pigs are one thing, but what the hell will we do when we get something REALLY bad, like Shark Flu?
Now, I agree with all the naysayers- I’m going to die. I even agree that the world will end sometime. AND, I’m not even worried about that one. I know some dead people already, it will be nice to catch up. Plus, if we all die, I’ll know a lot more dead people. Also all the people who have had near death experiences say really nice things about being dead. …Except for the ones who say they went to hell… So, what AM I concerned with here? Well, I’ll tell you. I’ve seen some of these movies. The Road?! …thanks for that one Cormic- what a great combination of boring and morbidly depressing. The Happening?! Sometimes when I see M Night Shyamalan’s flicks I think he puts crap out, sits back, waits, and then says “What, people still came out to see this one? Really? Ok, ok, I can still do worse.” (Rather than link you to what ‘The Happening’ really is, I’ve embedded a video by the same name that you will enjoy more.)
Folks, what scares me more than anything is being trapped in a boring post apocalyptic world, watching the world blandly expire. Barf.
So, what’s the solution? How can you stop the inevitable? Can we really launch Bruce Willis into space with a nuclear warhead every time an asteroid comes by? Not realistic. But maybe, just maybe, if we’re all going to die anyway, we can have a little bit of fun with it. Eh? So, I’m sure you all know what I’m thinking of- Zombies AND Dinosaurs. Duh. Can the Gub-ment stop the massive tidal wave of destruction? The guys who try to fix a leak of harmful oil in the ocean by dumping more harmful chemicals in on top of it? Ask any of the guys who helped clean up the Exon Valdez spill- oh wait, they’re all dead now… Nope, not likely. But, as always, I’m sure they’ll know all about it before some terrible, terribly boring disaster takes place. So, all I’m asking for, is for them to implement my simple Zombie/Dinosaur plan of action about… lets say, one year before things get really crappy.
Where will they get Zombies and Dinosaurs? Well, I would like to think that first we would try Zombie viruses, and Jurassic Park style DNA experiments. But, if all else fails, we could always go animatronic. Once they’ve figured out the ‘how’ they just need to mass produce both, and then release the Zombies and Dinosaurs into the unsuspecting populous. Now granted, some people won’t like this. Maybe some people don’t even know how to kill a zombie or out smart a velociraptor, but I think we can all agree they would be the minority. They would also be the very first to die, leaving behind a wealth of firearms and canned goods for the rest of us.
Now, of course, none of us would be able to survive forever with millions of zombies swarming and a hundred deadly species of dinosaurs roaming around, thirsty for blood. However, the fast paced thrill ride would be just the shot of adrenalin we need. And the colorful sights and sounds produced by the new monsters would keep our imaginations preoccupied and, dare I say, enchant us, up until the quick-ish painful end- Eaten alive in an entertaining, honorable, and fulfilling death, long before boring natural disasters ravage our already lifeless planet. I guess it would suck to be the Dinosaurs in that scenario though… back on top… for a second, and then boom! Another boring asteroid extinction.
I know what you’re thinking- WTF?! Why hasn’t anyone else thought of this yet? I have no idea. I can only hope that Uncle Sam already has and they’re just waiting for the right time to surprise us! Lets all keep our fingers crossed!
Hello again, hello again!!
So, as I was about to start to write this blog about some other things, we noticed that the local TV show we taped finally aired…or will be airing soon… it’s done though. Go check it out!!
Um, so this past week we had a couple of shows. The first one was in Winona, MN… this is the bizarre little city where Priscilla and I hail from. I mean that in a good way… the same way I like Bigfoot. We work a lot with this kid named Peter Boysen, who takes pictures that are sweet, and happens to like us. (Maudlin likes minions. Really, who doesn’t. But, if you’re a person, and not an entity like a band, they are harder to come by without money. You need to be famous, or have really sweet hair, or something like that. Well, my hair probably isn’t the sweetest in the world, but my band is, therefore, we have a few minions. Peter is one of them. …more precisely, I think he’s the only one. ) We like having a photographer, but we also want a videographer as well, so we tried to con him into being both for a night. The result? Stop motion photography video. I know, I know, we’re sooo cool. So we went down to Winona Friday to make this thing with Peter.
Now, we kind of debated what song… cause, we wanted a cool one, but also one that could work well with stop motion… we settled on Infidelity. Now, seeing as we’re totally disorganized, and haven’t been caring lately, we didn’t do a story board… or even have any clue what we wanted. We winged it. Only Peter loves us enough to waste his time on to see if maybe something cool happens. But, probably some cool things did happen.
We chose Ed’s in Winona as the place to do it. He thought it was a good idea too, and we know lots of people in Winona, Peter lives there too… it all made sense. So, we drove down to Winona, found Peter, shooting pictures of girls as usual, and then we were off!!
…Four hours later we really hadn’t shot anything or come up with any good ideas. …Other than getting a hot and ready. Eventually we just got ready for the show. We decided if we were talking about Infidelity, girls should probably be hitting on me. …basically because it was a music video girls should probably be hitting on my anyway. There should also be a boat, gold bullion, and a sports car… but we didn’t have any of those things. …so we settled for girls who were willing to sit next to me. …movie magic will make it all look cool. It’s hard for laypeople to understand, so don’t try.
Anyway, I think it went well. Winona was nice to us as always, it was good to be home and to see people singing along with the tunes. Our pals The Debut, and Jenny Dalton came down to Winona to play as well, and put on great shows.
So, afterwards, I abandoned Jason at Todd’s house and went to bed. In the morning we woke up and got ready for the road. Next stop MILWAUKEE!!
Milwaukee is a dangerous place to go to because it’s in Wisconsin. Most people think that, like other midwestern states, Wisconsin has corn, trees, cows, and people in overalls. While, many times this is true, Wisconsin is also home to more alien sightings and serial murderers than any other state in the union. Milwaukee is on the very far end of the state too, meaning there’s a lot of Wisconsin between us and the Brewers. So, we took a huge risk going out there.
When we arrived in Milwaukee, five hours early for our show, we decided to go to the lake. What lake is that you ask? The big one stupid. Milwaukee is on the coast of Lake Michigan, which is one of the Great Lakes. We have one too in Minnesota, and ours is better.
Avid explorers that we were, it took no time at all for Priscilla to find a fossil and some sea glass, and for me to find a sea lego in the sand. …ok, Priscilla found both, but she gave the lego to me… Then, to prove that we weren’t girls or anything, Jason and I climbed on all the rocks you weren’t supposed to climb on. The loons and children feared us.
Later that night we got to the BBC and demanded food for free which was provided for us. It was pretty ok. Then we waited another several hours to go on because we were so early. It was hard to tell if Wisconsin was ready for Maudlin or not, but we rolled around on the floor anyway, because that’s what we do. Then, even though The SaltShakers totalled wanted us to stay with them and hang out, because we’re neurotic and unstable, we drove home. You can’t predict what Maudlin will do, so stop trying. We drove home, and I only slept a little while I was driving. The fact that I’m here to write this, means it was the right choice.
That’s about it… This week? In store at Cheapo. Where we intend to block the exit, and awkwardly demand that people buy our CD if they want to get past to leave the store. See you there!
P.S. …Priscilla says that if they “answer a riddle” they can leave the store too… It’s past her bedtime.
Nothing at all eventful happened to me this week. …um, I bought a batman t-shirt, the old kind from the Tim Burton Batman… Tried to get together three times to practice , ended up actually practicing once. So that was good. We are working on our upcoming release too, but if I blogged about it, it would read more like a dry text book written by a guy who has no business writing text books, rather than my usual totally awesome bloggery. SO… I’m going to dip way back into my bag of tricks and recall a former adventure that is worthy of your time… I guess, depending on who you are.
*dream sequence style music here*
The year was 2004, and it was election day. Most of the good citizens of our nation were engaged in a misguided tug of war to decide which pre-selected representative of the Illuminati should pretend to run our country. Dick Cheney would later remark that ‘your pitiful votes are no match for the Dark Side of the Force,’ before electrocuting Luke Skywalker. …Maudlin, on the other hand, was leaving to go on tour in the exotic foreign land of Canada.
I remember leaving the country well. In the middle of nowhere Montana, Maudlin was arriving at customs to lie about our business in Canada, and what goods we were taking across the border. To our surprise, there were fourteen homeland security police officers stationed there. We were on mega-terrorist threat color red alert, as it was election day. Recent intelligence agents had also intercepted a communique that Klingons would soon be firing photon torpedoes on democracy. …that heightened security too. It was those two things.
Now, though Maudlin is usually a law abiding band, we did intend to enter Canada without proper work visas and transport salable goods that we had no intention of paying taxes on, upon entering or exiting the country. This was due to lack of funds rather than disdain for that Canadian authorities. We were keeping a very low profile. No groupies, no blow, no tying prostitutes to chairs and beating them with metal chains for logging on to our computers. Nothing fun at all.
So, when someone at the border asks you a random question like, “Do you have any prescription medications that are not in their original, labeled containers,” most people would say, “No.” …Not Priscilla. She said “Yes.” …Which resulted in our being held hostage until she could located the substance (which was prescription foot cream for a rash) and show it off to everyone. I kid you not, Cheney didn’t actually electrocute any Jedi Knights (that I know of…) but Priscilla did get briefly detained by police due to foot cream that was not properly labeled. Al-Qaeda was terrified after they heard about the incident and canceled all their rouge cream mislabeling attacks they were planning.
Eventually the U.S. forces let us leave the country after tearing apart the whole truck… and the Canadian forces? Didn’t so much as glance in the Suburban. And then, there we were, in Saskatchewan, the stupidest part of Canada, about to begin our first international tour.
So, at this point you’re probably thinking, “why the hell were they in Saskatchewan when there are other places that exist?” …and, that’s a good question, I heard many natives asking themselves that same thing. We had a reason of sorts. Our label at the time, Torque Records, was headquartered out of a town of 300 people there. What were they doing there? Kevin Gales, the owner, is an odd and disturbed man… as we would find out.
I don’t remember a lot of the specific shows. Some I do remember. Most of them were held in churches, community centers, or colleges… there’s weren’t a lot of actual venues where we played. Lots of towns with just a few thousand people. Usually that sucked, but sometimes it meant that we were the only entertainment these people had seen in their life times; sometimes whole towns turned out. This is an example of an average show up there. There we are… under a parachute? Yes. A parachute. I have no clue what town that was…
(for those astute stalker types, you may notice that Jason is not playing drums. The man pictured, AJ, was eaten by polar bears.)
If you’re from the States, and you’ve never been to Canada, let me try and explain it to you. It’s like an episode of Sliders… a universe parallel to our own. You’ll be walking around and everything will be normal- you could be in anywheretown U.S.A. …and then you’ll see it: something so freakishly perverse that you don’t even think you’re on the same planet anymore… Skim milk with blue containers, and 2% in pink ones… wtf!?!? I know, I know, most people would have left the country when they saw something as unamerican as that, but we decided that someone need to document it all for posterity’s sake.
For the most part, the people of Canada accepted us with open arms. They freely opened up to us about their ancient isolated culture. We found out that the word ‘about’ isn’t the only thing they mispronounce. Also worlds like ‘process.’ They have their own made up, pretend words for some things… like ‘tuk’ which means ‘stocking cap.’ And, if you eat french fries there they will try and put gravy on them. Do not let them; this is a mistake. The most bizarre custom they have involves the tandem coed bathrooms that can be found in many public places.
But, not everything in Canada is fake words and toilet teams, they also still have dinosaurs. Most people presume that dinosaurs are all extinct because we haven’t seen any in a long time. Well, I haven’t seen anyone walking around in jeans and a jean jacket lately, but that doesn’t mean they’re not in Canada. When these animals are hit by cars, the provincial D &R still allows people to take the meat, and Tim Horton’s actually serves mammoth sandwiches.
The state religion in Canada is Star Trek. Most people don’t actually know this either. We spent sometime in the pious village of Vulcan, Alberta. The whole town is devoted to Trek.
…Nothing I can make up can alter the fact that I had to have taken these pictures somewhere, so these things do exists… even if Canadians don’t pee together or worship Spok.
…also I did this.
In conclusion, Canada is an intriguing popsicle of a country, filled with monsters and poutine. For additional studies on Maudlin’s trip to Canada, try checking out our new hit song, Saskatchewan, off our sophomore album, Maudlin, and the Second Law of Thermodynamics, in stores soon!